Today, while on a trip on an uber, a song of The Cure played. I asked the driver to turn up the volume. I love The Cure so much and I haven't listened to their music for a while. He said it was nice to meet someone who is a fellow Cure fan. He happens to be from a tribute band of the Cure and tours around the U.S.! We started talking about new wave and all the 90's bands such as Nirvana and how amazing Kurt Cobain was.
Anyways, this got me in the mood to listen to The Cure again.
Anyways, I'll see him again tonight because my daughter left her phone in his car and I had to pay $15 to get it back! Ugh! So that's Uber's new rule.
I am currently watching The Beach. I'll never get tired of this movie! I swear I am being drawn to the beach so much recently.
I can't wait to go to the Philippines this January and just be one with nature in my homeland! Surreal! I admit I was terrified at first, I can't even explain why. Now, I am completely embracing it and just super grateful that I am going home after 21 years! 21 years! Insane! Oh my gosh, I so deserve to go home and just take a breather. I've been through s***!
I might just sob like a baby when my feet touch the Philippine soil. I can't wait to feel like a first class citizen again.
I’ve always had dates with myself. I go to the movies by myself, to restaurants. I’ve always thought that was self-love.
But I was wrong. It wasn’t the act that was wrong but the intention and the feeling behind it.
Inside me, I felt entitled, stressed, that going out and being with myself was more of a distraction from reality than enjoyment. Often times, I would feel guilty and end up even more stressed, angry, resentful.
As I was sitting at the doctor’s office today, it came to me. It struck me like lightning. I have to be my own best friend! My own lover!
I have to fall in love with me and everything else outside of me will just be a bonus.
If someone leaves or if something goes wrong, I would still have my best friend with me and that is myself and I will never feel alone.
There will be no missing piece, no attachment, no fear, no need for outside validation. No expectation from others, only gratitude. There would be no demands from others because there is nothing they can give to me that I cannot or haven’t all ready given myself.
Everything that they can give me will not be demanded or expected because whatever is given to me only adds to what I already do have.
I’ve always thought that one should be selfless and to give more than take. Make people happy in expense of my own happiness.
To give without waiting for anything in return and to give even if i didn’t have enough. To say yes even if I wanted to say no.
I did just that and I was miserable. I’ve always wondered why.
Because you see, how can I give from an empty cup? How can I make someone happy when I myself is miserable? How can I give to someone
in need when I too, is in need? Whether it be money, time or attention.
Loving myself doesn’t mean being selfish. I realized those are two different things. It took me just now to see the difference. And it’s better late than never.
During this time that most believe in yolo and self-love is sometimes mistaken for hey you have to eat anything you want because you only live once, you have to date as many people as you want (and can) because life is too short, or you have to do things that you like even if it’s harmful because you see we are only here for a short while. You have to go to this place or that place even if you cannot afford it and all your credit cards are all maxed out because you know the world has gone berserk and you don’t know if we die tomorrow.
That really isn’t self-love. It isn’t self-love to stuff ourselves with unhealthy food just because we think we deserve it. Not because we can, we must. That isn’t love. It isn’t self-love to live a life we cannot afford and slave ourselves with jobs we hate to pay our debts.
It isn’t self-love to fill our voids with material things we don’t really absolutely love or even need.
Life isn’t short. Life is too damn long to suffer from the consequences of the choices we make.
It’s good to find happiness, wherever we are on our own so we are not constantly trying to please ourselves with things, food or even people or placing unrealistic demands on our loved ones and the world for that matter.
When we do feel complete on our own, what is there to fear?
Everything else only adds to our happiness and we will find more appreciation and gratitude for people, things and experiences.
When we feel good and happy, we see the world differently. Our reality changes, we see people for the true beauty that they are. When we have self-hate and is angry and resentful, even love is mistaken for something ugly and even beautiful people turn into self absorbed monsters. What we feel inside resonates outside. What we are is what we see.
So if we want to change our reality, let’s start from within.
That is the only thing we do have control over anyway, ourselves.
Maybe it seems I’m just blabbing here but you know what, I am actually writing for myself. I don’t even know if anyone out there is actually reading what I write here but this is more for me, more than anybody. It feels good to write about what I learn and realize and to always be reminded when I read them again. I am hoping that I inspire someone out there though or that I ignite a little fire inside someone and make him or her realize some things too.
I am so excited to be good to myself. Now, just with more authenticity and not because I should but because I actually want to and actually, truly enjoy my own company.
I've forgotten how the beach made me feel so at peace and happy. I grew up near the beach. My dad took me to the beach almost every morning before going to school because I was very sickly as a child.
He said that the fresh air was good for me. He was right.
I went to Venice Beach by myself after around a decade. Yes, almost a decade. Probably more, I'm not quite sure. I woke up early one morning feeling the urge to go to the beach so I got up without thinking twice and went.
I walked for hours and hours under the sun, listened to live performers, ate and had a beer. It was awesome. So much great talent out there that are not being valued or heard by the world. Specially this girl with her guitar that was stationed in front of Figtree bar and grill. Uh, she is
amazing! She reminded me of Juliana Hatfield. She sounds like an angel. They both do.
Make it home
Deepening night, think on a time
All was bright
Here in this dark place, I see in your face
All is not right
Make it, make your way home
Better than the last
Break it, break the alone
Take a second chance
Open a window, let in the snow
Cold is all I know
Go to the fire, stir it around
There's a warmer place for you to go
So, make it, make your way home
Better than you have
Break it, break the alone
Leave it in the past
Oh, look and you'll find it
Someone wants to love you
Look and you'll find it
Someone wants to love you
Wake it, wake your dream
One forgotten me
Sleepin' deep inside o' you
But anyways it was a great time to reconnect with myself and to actually listen to my own thoughts.
I loved being there so much that I went back again two days after. It was quite funny because I went to this Egyptian store because I fell in love with this ring I saw there and I wanted to go back to get it. The owner said , "weren't you here a few days ago? I remember you!". I was there for like less than 5 minutes with so many other people and he actually remembered that I was there. It felt good to be remembered. To exist, even to a stranger.
Then I had pizza and the guy behind the counter was super nice and even gave me a free frozen lemonade. So much good people out there! Sometimes we are too busy looking at what's wrong in this world that we fail to see what's good. There are a lot of good things and good people. More good than bad actually but I guess it's what we focus on is what we see more of. I also made a new friend, Hi Angela, if you are reading this. I'll see you Monday! She braids hair there and she is so sweet. I believe that somehow our paths were meant to cross. She was also in Vegas at the time I was there. She was actually at EDC braiding hair. I believe that there are no accidental meetings in this world. I felt really good talking to her and just being around her.
Anyways, I can't wait to go back again tomorrow and just spend the whole day there. I had a pretty tough and busy week and I just want to get lost in the sun and sea and just soak in all the good vibes that I can.
I have a new found love for LA. After so many years of living here, I think I've never fallen in love with it as much as I do now.
My spiritual therapist (Why? You don't have one? :) ) once told me to think about what I loved doing when I was still a young girl because that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. One of the few things I loved doing back then was write. I've written on diaries since I was in kindergarten. I still did as an adult but not in recent years, except for a gratitude journal. I still remember I called my very first diary, "Sandra" and would always start each page with "Dear Sandra". I don't know where I got that name and why, of all names. Perhaps I was a Sandra in a past life and I was really writing to myself.
I am no writer, so forgive me grammar police but I do have a lot of stories to tell and I want to be able to share it, instead of having constant conversations inside my head.
I am not a writer.
I am a story teller.
LOS ANGELES-BASED PHOTOGRAPHER